The Rose Horde Scrolls
by Rampant Poultry
Summary: The tale of Warboss Ruby Rose, despoiler of worlds, and Weiss Schnee, unassailable bastion of Atlas, in the style of Old Testament narrative. Crackfic. Alternatively: "what an exhausted Bible minor comes up with at 2 in the morning."


In the fourth month of the sixth year of the reign of General Ironwood, there lived in the forests of Atlas a tribe of orcs. Now the orcs were weak and without wisdom, for though they were prey for every manner of Grimm and wild beast, still they fought amongst themselves. And the tribe suffered greatly, until they were few in number, and those that remained were driven to desperation.

It was in this time that a mighty one rose up among them, and he performed in their midst many mighty deeds. In the dead of night in a bitter winter, he went out into the forest with naught but his bare hands, and there he slew many Grimm, taking for himself what trophies he could to display his power. And he found favor among those of his tribe, and the orcs flocked to him. He made himself warboss, and he took for himself the name Bigtoof Grimmeater, for his fangs were numerous and without compare in size. And the tribe multiplied tens and hundreds of times, until they were a vast and mighty horde, and when the people of Atlas heard they trembled at the news.

And it came to pass that in the tenth month of the seventh year of the reign of General Ironwood, a stranger cloaked in red entered the camp, and upon so doing challenged Grimmeater to a duel for leadership of the horde, as the orcs were wont to do. But the orcs mocked her, for they knew humans to be weak and cowardly, and she was naught but a child. And Grimmeater was seized by a great humor, and so he accepted her challenge, meaning to grant her a cruel death.

The Red One and Grimmeater fought for many hours, scythe contending against choppa, until the sun lay low in the sky, for though Grimmeater was a tenacious orc, with the power and endurance of a hundred men, the Red One was as fluid and tireless as water, and she suffered no blows at Grimmeater's hands. At last, at the onset of darkness, she overcame Grimmeater and slew him, separating his head from his body, and with a mighty crash he fell to the ground. And she hoisted his head in the sight of all the horde and declared;

"I have bested your leader, first and foremost of your kind. You shall be my servants, for I have defeated the strongest among you."

Seeing that their warboss was struck down, the orcs grew greatly perplexed, and they conversed amongst themselves in their bewilderment, for they could not understand how he had been defeated. Finding that they could come to no consensus, they grew wrathful and fell upon each other with mighty blows, and such was their strength that thousands of them were cut down. When it became apparent they would destroy themselves, a spokesman rose up from within them, and with a mighty bellow he silenced the horde, saying;

"LISTIN UP YA IDJITZ! EVERY ORC WURF IZ TEEF KNOWZ DAT DA RED UNZ GO FASTA. SO WHYZ YE GITZ ACTIN LIKE A BUNCHA LOONZ, HAH?!"

At his words, the orcs grew still, for they saw much wisdom in them. The Red One was filled with approval at his words, saying;

"Because of your great insight, you shall be named Zwei, and you shall be my second in command. The world will fear your ferocity and your cunning, for you are the first and greatest of my minions."

And the assembled orcs found no disagreement, and it was so. This is how Zwei, the Thorn of the Rose Horde, gained his name. The Red Stranger was very crafty, and the horde grew once more, until the forest could not contain them. And the Red Stranger declared a WAAAAAAAAAAAAGH, and the horde moved to ravage the city of Atlas, for orcs know nothing but bloodshed.

In the city of Atlas, there was a mighty commander, and her name was Weiss Schnee. She found great favor with her men, for she was sharp of mind and of honorable character, and well pleasing to the eye. When she heard of the approaching horde, she mustered her men for the defense of the city, tens of thousands of men and hundreds of armored vehicles and artillery batteries, for Atlas was a mighty city. And the people were prepared, with no fear among them, for Weiss had filled them with hope. And there were many men who rushed to the city's defense, for Weiss was a skilled and lovely commander, well regarded among all the people.

And in the first month of the eighth year of the reign of General Ironwood, the Rose Horde met the walls of Atlas, and without hesitation they made to storm the city, for orcs do not fear death, but desire only carnage. And the battle raged without ceasing for four days and four nights, and the bodies of the dead choked the walls and streets, and it became impossible even to breathe, such was the stench of battle and death. At last, in the heart of the city, the White Commander met the Red Stranger, and their battle was fierce, for both were peerless warriors, without compare among all the men and orcs. Such was the beauty of their duel that the battle stopped around them, for all the warriors were transfixed by the sight. And neither could overcome the other, until at last –

::-::-::

"I can't believe we got kicked out of the library," Ruby grumbled. "We were just playing a game. I mean, what did we do wrong?"

Blake raised a sardonic eyebrow. "You mean other than scream 'waaaagh' at the top of your lungs?"

"... Other than that."

"Or how about Weiss's endless complaining?"

The heiress blushed a deep red that would have suited her partner's name. "Don't blame me! Toughness four is completely unbelievable!"

Blake sighed, ears twitching in irritation. "Can someone tell me why I have two kids on my team?"

"You know," Yang chimed in, "that game looks really fun. Wanna teach me how to play next time?"

"Make that three kids."

::-::-::

 _fin_

 _s.d.g_

::-::-::

 **A/N:**

Thanks for reading. Hope you got at least a chuckle from this. Goodness knows you won't get anything of substance from it.

My warhammer 40k knowledge is pretty sparse. Please don't murder me if I got stuff wrong.

Anything else, you are free to murder me for.

On a side note, the Bible actually has some really funny stories, if you look for them. There's a general conception of the Bible as boring, which is a pity, because some of the stuff in there would make for worthy crackfics and satires all on their own.


End file.
